I look at other popular blogs and wonder how in the world I could ever compete with them – as if it’s a big competition. I suppose if we were really honest with ourselves we would have to admit that it is. Everyone who starts a blog wants to be popular and have lots of fans and make lots of money with advertisers. But I think mostly we want to know that people like us. Bottom line: we want to know if we are good enough.
- Will they find me witty?
- Will they like my writing?
- Will they accept me?
Who is “they” anyway? “They” are people around the world that we don’t know but are craving their acceptance and applause. I won’t pretend to be so self-righteous that I don’t long for those things. I’d love to touch lives and have the pleasure of lots of likes on my blog (without the negative comments of course!). I was reading a blog today and busted a gut laughing so hard. She had an IMMENSE following and she is really good at what she does. Then there are the standards like PIONEER WOMAN who people just fall in love with her. You have your poets and philosophers and Christian apologists. And then there is me. What on earth do I have to offer? I’m not witty – though I wish I was because it’s a trait I’ve always wanted – and I’m not popular. Most people find me a bore. I’m the one people call when they NEED something – not when they want to go have fun. Having a rough day? Call Harper. She’ll listen and pray with you and show compassion. Going out for a fun girl’s night? Yea, not so much. I’m the friend you call to go out for coffee to talk about “life”. Those are thoughts that make me freeze and procrastinate. But who wants to give in to fear? Not me! Fear is a liar and pest.
Thoughts of being irrelevant and unnoticeable make me freeze and procrastinate. But who wants to give in to fear? Not me! Fear is a liar and pest.
So why write? Honestly, I have no idea why I’m even writing about being “unwanted”. I sat down and it all just came out. I love how my fingers can reveal what is buried in my head. Maybe that’s why I like writing so much. I don’t have much experience with blogs or public writing, but it started when I was 10 years old when I received a journal for my birthday. It’s been my retreat, where I hash out my frustrations, where I ponder life, where I talk to God. I love journaling.
Now I am much older and journaling has faded away (for various reasons) and I find myself drawn to blog instead. I haven’t a clue as to how. My grammar is terrible and I’m sure English teachers everywhere will cringe at my structure and style, but I didn’t want to use that as an excuse to not write.
So I’ll start with what I have.
If you will bear with me I will share my heart. I’m not sure of the exact direction this will go, perhaps I’ll address my journey and experience with rejection. Much of my life has been examples of that and I want to share those experiences which came almost exclusively at the hand of Christians. I was criticized and rejected by friends, family, and different churches. I’m not going to bash anyone or even the church, but I am going to tell my story. We all have disappointed people in our lives so it’s not my place to judge those who have disappointed me. I never thought to share what has happened, however, years ago I unwittingly stumbled upon the reality that there are SO many people who feel rejected in some way but they never admit it. (I’ll tell that story next time – it’s really good).
I’ll also share how growing up I was the poster child of the “good Christian girl” (I was even considered conservative among my Christian friends) but when life didn’t work out the way I expected, my Christian friends, family, and the church turned their back on me and it shook me to the core. Thankfully it didn’t breed bitterness in me but it opened my eyes to the goodness of God (go figure), His grace, and the ugly truth: many in the church don’t know the first thing about the love of Christ (I was included in this).
So it’s going to be open, real, but I am not going to bash the Church – no matter how imperfect. The Church is the body of Christ and I am part of that and God loves it. But I am going to be really honest about what has happened and what I am learning. God is good and may He be glorified through this. My hope is that those who don’t know God will hear the truth about who He is and the Gospel – probably for the first time because it has been terribly tainted – and that those who are Believers in Christ will stop and consider whether they are “BELIEVERS” of the Word versus someone who gives lip service to God and lives by law instead of under grace. Maybe we should stop beating people over the head with our version of godliness and righteousness and be reminded ourselves of His goodness and grace.
For it is God’s KINDNESS that leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4).