I don’t know how some people are so happy all the time. Like
nothing bad ever happens to them. I want to be a fly on the wall in their house to see if they are like that when no one is looking. Are they for real?
I envy them, really.
Negativity abounds in my family. It was a normal way of life to look at the worst in someone or in a situation. I struggle with negativity in my mind and heart as well. I don’t like it. However, it seems like a track I can’t get off some days. I know it is a symptom of something deeper: Self Pity. Anger. Bitterness. Pride. Just when I think I’ve
dealt with being angry at my past and about certain people in my life then I wake up one day and it’s like I’ve taken 10 steps backwards. On those days I’m mad at the
world (well, really I’m mad at me. I’m just taking it out on the world around me). I’ve stopped focusing on the right things and have started re-hashing all the crap from the past again.
n days like today I want to pack up my bags, empty out the bank account, and move out of town with my son and not tell anyone where we are going. I want to run away. I’m annoyed by everyone and everything. Would everyone just please stop breathing! ?
Why is it so hard to shake this off?
One reason I have moments like today is that I have situations that happen regularly that keep the past in my face. So, I daily have the opportunity to forgive again and again. I’m daily reminded of my poor choices that have landed me in the situation that I am. I guess I am throwing a tantrum because I don’t want to deal with the consequences of my choices any more. Most people would say to just remove myself from the people that I am struggling with. (Trust me, that has crossed my mind). What I have learned is that when you run from hardship instead of walking through it then you walk into another one just like it. Same problems, new packaging. So you might as well learn how to thrive and live victoriously in the midst of challenges! There are easier ways to live but some of us have more of a knack for learning life lessons the hard way. ??(yea, that would be me)
I am learning that when you have thought a certain way for decades it isn’t fixed overnight. I guess that is what frustrates me the most. I want to flip a switch in my mind so that I don’t every struggle with this again. My flesh doesn’t want to do the hard work of renewing my mind. I get easily discouraged when I haven’t made as much progress as I would like.
At least I’m not where I used to be and I know where I am going. I’m thankful I can see my negativity much clearer which means my stay in this mindset is relatively short. For that I am grateful. That means my heart and mind ARE changing.
It takes dedicated, deliberate, focused work to meditate on the scriptures to renew my mind. It is worth it. Wish I didn’t have tough days. That’s part of the journey.