A year ago I wanted to die.
For nearly 2 months all I could think about was dying and begging you to take my life. I remember having a knife in my hand in the kitchen and having to throw it down and run away because the desire to use it on myself was so great. I think about where I was emotionally and spiritually. It seems like a lifetime away and a different person. At the beginning of the year I made my goal to “Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness”. I had no idea the changes that would take place because of that commitment and the struggle that ensued right after I determined to be solely focused on You. The struggle for my very life. How can a Christian want to die? But I did.
I was so confused about my business, my family life was an absolute mess, I fell apart emotionally every time someone used me, hurt me, or said something unkind. I was so raw. I wanted to run away. I remember the moment that battle started a few months prior…someone I had hired to coach me in my business basically told me I was crazy. That I needed to get on medication.
I was going through some really rough times and this person was not aware of my history and the dynamics at home that were playing out behind the scenes and had been for many years. The instant my coach spoke those words something snapped in me. I instantly knew that it was another attack of the enemy of my soul to destroy me. I knew that I had allowed myself to be tossed around by careless words for years and it was killing me on the inside, making me ineffective. I immediately rejected it and I realized that I had the power to stop all the negative influences and words that were slowly ripping me apart on the inside.
My first reaction was “I am NOT crazy!”. I instantly started speaking the truth out loud, “I have the mind of Christ!”. It is like for the last 40+ years I have allowed myself to be beaten up with words. Every time I try to stand I am knocked down again. I eventually started dodging the verbal assaults but occasionally I would get blind-sided and find myself laid out. This time it’s like I stood up and said, “Enough!”. Not in my own strength, but in finally believing down deep inside, not just intellectually, that what You said about me it what matters. I finally value Your opinion above anything else. But shortly after that I felt weary from the fight of standing against the difficult people and situations in my life and I wanted to die. You were so patient with me. You lovingly took my hand and walked with me and continued to whisper Your love to me. I knew that You did not want me to die, You had a purpose, but I was weak and needed rest.
Rest. That was Your Word to me all year. Multiple people that I ran into would look at me and say, “I get a sense that God is telling you to REST”. I’m a little slow, but by the end of the year I finally made the decision to rest.
You have been transforming me from the inside at a rate I can not explain. How dull I have been for so many years. I had become so sophisticated in my “spirituality” that I missed the power of Your message! Lessons You have been teaching me over my life are now coming together like pieces of a gigantic puzzle. The rest you have me in right now is so sweet. I am soaking it up. My body is gaining strength, my mind and heart are absorbing Your healing words. I am starting to hear Your voice again.
I no longer notice any verbal assaults. Attempts are still made but I find that they have no power. The words just fall to the ground limp and lifeless. Your Words are my life. My power, My strength. Sickness has no power over me or my home anymore. How glorious and wonderful. Depression no longer hangs out in my house or dares enter my soul – it is powerless, there is no room for it!
How I wish that I could have understood this many years ago. So much heartache and pain and wrong roads could have been avoided. I find I can no longer tolerate much of what this world has to offer. I find no pleasure or interest in what society has to offer. TV and movies and pop music have no attraction for me. It is boring and flat compared to what I am finding in Your Word. The power! The Life! I would much rather see the deaf hear, the blind see, the sick made well, those without Life find it. You have ruined me!
Thank you my glorious Savior!