I Don’t Want To Be A Hero

Dear God….

I’ve been thinking about dreams a lot lately. You know how intense my dreams are and always have been. Sometimes I dread going to sleep. I don’t usually remember much in the morning, but enough to remember the theme is nearly always the same: Running from danger, fighting through a disaster, or trying to rescue my son or other people from harm, including myself. Every night, I fight the lonely battles that are never won, or I’m running and running, but never getting away. My earliest memories are dreams about running from danger.

Why? 40 years of running, battles, and rescues (except mine) and I’m tired.

I think what bothers me most is that in all these dreams not once has anyone been around to be my hero. I’m always alone, trying to protect myself in addition to other people. No matter the dream, I am under some type of attack. But I still wonder at the need to feel like I need to be the rescuer in my own dreams. I never expect to be rescued.

I’m tired of running. I’m tired of being afraid. I’ve had enough of being a hero.

The dreams always end before there is a resolution. I’ve never rescued my son, I’ve never saved my life or the lives of anyone else because I wake up first.

I suppose that’s why I have a natural inclination to want to be a “tough girl.” My motives for joining the women’s shooting club, taking self-defense courses, active shooter training, and joining the local Emergency Response Team, must stem from my deep need to be a “hero.” I never thought of it that way before, but it’s starting to make sense.

Somehow, I have the need to prove that I can make a difference, and seeing myself as a hero is an attempt to satisfy my conscience; but in reality, it’s not resolving anything. Why do I feel like I need to be a hero?

Tonight as I thought about what dreams might be awaiting me, I decided I don’t want to be a hero anymore.

I just want to be me.

I want a Sweet Dream – anything besides the exhausting nightly ritual of running from danger. If there is running, let it be for fun and joined with laughter. I want to feel safe and secure. I want to be rescued by You.

girl sitting near rorbu and admires the beautiful Norwegian landscape at the fjord and mountains

Let me dream of pleasant times, beautiful views, sweet smells, and good friends. Life has enough daily stress, let me have a taste of heaven and give my mind a rest.

And when I’m not dreaming, open my eyes to see the blessing I bring every day to people in my life and the blessing they are to me. I want to love like You love. If I am going to be exceptional in anything, let it be in love. I don’t want to be anyone’s hero – that’s Your job.

Father, it’s time for my subconscious mind to realize that…

You are my rescuer.

You save me.

You are my Ultimate Hero.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *