[I realize that this is another heavy post about suicide within a very short time. However, sometimes life dictates what I write about. My heart aches for those who feel so lost, helpless, and alone. Remember, you ARE loved. You ARE a treasure. Your life DOES matter. Whatever your circumstances they WILL get better. God IS sufficient!]
I am so sad. My sweet, beautiful friend tried to kill herself this week.
My emotions are everywhere. We had just spend a few evenings together as girl friends in order to encourage her through a tough time. I confess that after the shock of hearing what happened my thoughts turned inward and I started thinking about what I could have done differently. I had just been with her. We hugged, cried, smiled, laughed; but then a short time later her mind filled with such darkness that she wanted to die enough to try, and almost succeeded. I’m am thankful she was found and is now safe. I love my friend. I see so many amazing things in her.
There are friendships that come along that you know will never fade. There is a soul connection. Even if life causes some drifting, they come back just as strong or stronger. I think about the first time we met as neighbors. She was so gorgeous and we had children about the same age. Our backyards were attached and since the HOA only allowed very short fences we felt like we shared everything. Our boys played together, we would go to the pool together, we celebrated birthdays and anniversaries…Actually there were three of us who all shared a backyard area. That was 13 years ago and the three of us are still close friends. We watched our kids grow up and two of us go through a divorce, and new challenges in new relationships; but we stayed in touch – sometimes just through a text and sometimes over a meal. I thank You for my friends. They touch a special part of my life. It’s a privilege to know them. To think that one of these dear sisters is so distraught to want to die rips at my heart. Thank you for sparing her. Show me how to be there for her.
I’m feeling numb inside. There are many who love her so much! YOU love her so much. How do I be a good friend to her right now? Why does she not see how valuable she is? I want to wrap my arms around her. I wish I could let her see what I see – that she is enviably gorgeous, a fabulous mother, smarter than she realizes, and has the most welcoming, gentle spirit…ahh…… I see……sometimes it’s about circumstances. We feel circumstances are bigger than we are. Not that we don’t feel loved, but we become so focused on our troubles we lose our focus on what is reality. I get that. That’s where I was last year…so focused on something that felt overwhelming and suffocating. I was tired of fighting it. Years before it was the intense pain of a loss. So painful that I wanted anything to make the pain go away. It wasn’t pain like giving birth that comes and goes, it was constant, deep, internal pain that wouldn’t stop. Emotional pain that was so intense I had to literally say to my heart, “beat, beat, beat” because I thought it would just stop on it’s own. You walked me through that time with Your Word, the support of friends, and the help of family. I know you will do the same for her – I’m just sad she is in so much pain right now. Soothe her heart.
It reminds me that so many of us don’t understand Your perspective. I fumble for words of encouragement for my friend. The first thing that came to mind today was, “He quiets me with His love”. I looked it up and it was the very verse someone had shared yesterday at church:
The Lord your God is in your midst, a warrior who saves. He will rejoice over you with joy. He will be quiet in His love [making no mention of your past sins], He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy. (Zeph 3:17)
Ironically this is the verse You showed me so many years ago as a teenager when I was experiencing a time of rejection. I remember the Bible version I read before said that you DANCED over me. I’ve never forgotten that. To think that the God of the universe DANCES, SINGS, AND SHOUTS over me. Little ‘ol me. I matter to You. Wow! That is incredible to think about.
I pray that you would open the eyes of my precious friend so that she can see how much she matters to You (and to so many others as well).
Note: As I was writing this post something happened that gave me a revelation of what it means, “He quiets me with His love”. Those were the exact words that God was repeating to me this morning. The NKJV translates this verse with these exact phrase, yet for me, I was wondering this morning what that really meant. Then, as I was writing I received an unexpected lesson from the Lord: as I was typing my little 12-pound dog was visibly upset. There is some construction in the condo next door but it isn’t loud or too disturbing. Just doors slamming, an occasional drill, and footsteps up and down the stairs. It’s really nothing but it was enough to make my dog anxious. I did not realize how anxious until he was scraping at my lap to pick him up. When I did he was quite shaken. I scooped him up, grabbed a blanket and wrapped him in it, and held him tight against my chest. I like to sit on an exercise ball at my desk and that is where I was so I started rocking him like a little baby. Within a few minutes he had settled into my arms, was calm, and sleeping. I laughed to myself that I was holding him like an infant to try to calm him down and then clear as day the Lord showed me that this is what it means to “quiet with love”. When we are so upset and unsettled over circumstances that we do not understand or that cause us fear He holds us close like a child, against His chest, His arms tightly around us, and just loves. His loving embrace – the understanding of His deep love – is what quiets our soul. So I encourage you to take some time, close your eyes, be quiet, and in that quiet let God Almighty quiet you with His love.
My Father, I pray for everyone who reads this. That You would give them eyes to see, ears to hear, hearts to comprehend how powerful Your love is for them. That their eyes would see that You see them, they matter to You. They have infinite value. I pray that they would understand the greatness of Your love. That Your love satisfies everything. I pray they would understand that Christ has already satisfied Your wrath completely so that they can live whole; especially that You are not mad at them, but You long to hold and comfort and love on them. O Lord may they see the delight You have in them. You have such joy over their very existence!! Like a parent who adores their child, no matter what, I pray for them that they would see your adoring gaze, that penetrates to the very core, fixed on them. You are such a good Father! Amen.