A Holy Dissatisfaction

Do you ever feel a spiritual dissatisfaction – as if you are grasping at understanding, but it’s not quite hitting home? I love learning and growing in the Lord, but occasionally I will get to a point where I feel stuck. I become so stuffed full of “spiritual information” that I feel engorged – like when you overeat at Thanksgiving. You can’t move, the food was great, but now you feel sick to your stomach. The same way you can’t possibly take another bite of food, I get to a point where I can’t hear another sermon or read another word out of the Bible or a book. Usually, it means I’ve filled my head with a ton of knowledge and lessons, but it’s time to absorb that into my heart and soul – or it means that I’ve missed something God is trying to show me and my heart has become hard.


I’m in the middle of one of those “holy dissatisfaction” phases. It is frustrating on one end, yet on the other, I know something magnificent is going to come out of it. However, when I’m in the midst of this type of season, I can get a little cranky with the Lord. Like tonight; laying in bed and asking loads of questions. Honestly, there are some things about God that annoy me – because I don’t understand and I want to! Do you get frustrated with God? I had several thoughts rolling through my head tonight:

  1. Why is being a Christian so hard?
  2. What’s with all the parables and riddles? Why not make scripture plain as day?
  3. Why all the mystery?
  4. Why is love so hard to understand, express, receive, and give?
  5. Why is understanding spiritual concepts so difficult?
  6. How come so many religious leaders have different interpretations of the Bible? It’s like no one is on the same page. Teachers I respect have entirely different viewpoints, and I wonder who I should listen to.
  7. When someone decides to live for Christ, why doesn’t our human/sinful nature just, “poof,” go away and we no longer struggle with “doing what we don’t want to do”?
  8. Why tongues/spiritual language?
  9. Why is it so easy to make mistakes? Why is life such a struggle?
  10. I don’t understand why faith is so important. Why couldn’t you reveal yourself and your angels to mankind in a physical way so people wouldn’t have to guess if you are real? Wouldn’t that┬áresult in more people loving and obeying You if they knew you existed and could see you in your glory?

    loving well
    Why is loving well so hard?


Sometimes I don’t get it. It seems like life is one big cat-and-mouse game. I keep chasing, and I keep running, but I can’t seem to capture what it is I’m running after. I’m always falling; I’m always missing the mark. I get tired of making mistakes and having to clean up my mess. I just wish life was so much easier. It seems like I’m falling all over myself and not getting anywhere.

I love God. Love Him so much. But if I were completely honest, some days it doesn’t seem like that is enough. Every day there is another mistake, another sin I have to repent of, another bad attitude, another wrong decision. I feel like I’m living in a hamster wheel, going round and round, and not getting anywhere. Or like I’m living on a ledge overlooking a cliff. The teeniest mistake or distraction and I’m tumbling over the side.

I do something because I think it is God’s will – and then I realize it was a big, fat mistake – again. My entire life has been built on mistake, after mistake; one bad choice after another. Most of them can not be undone. There’s no going back and starting over. It’s like baking – once you stir the ingredients together, there is no separating them. It’s done.

How does one move forward? How does love become enough? How do I know if I’ve done something right? How do I keep doing what is right? I’m sick of falling all over myself. I tired of sickness, tired of poverty, tired of making the wrong choices, tired of having to deal with myself, tired of hearing experts tell me how they think I should live my life. I’m tired of watching family members become so easily seduced by wickedness, tired of watching those I love live in emotional and physical pain.

Following God should be easy and clear. Shouldn’t it?

Why is loving God so hard? Why is loving others even harder?

I’m putting myself out there tonight. I wonder if any of you ever have such thoughts? The bright side is I know my Father – He always reveals Himself! Scripture does say that I am blessed for believing in faith. I don’t understand and I wish I could have something other than faith to sink my teeth into, but I’m not God and He knows best. Thankfully, He welcomes the questions and wants all of us to come to Him and ask of Him because it draws us closer.

>>>>>And that is the whole point…to ask, receive, sit, listen, encounter, and KNOW Him.<<<<

Why questions do you ask of God? I’d love to hear them.

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