A Holy Dissatisfaction

Do you ever feel a spiritual dissatisfaction – as if you are grasping at understanding, but it’s not quite hitting home? I love learning and growing in the Lord, but occasionally I will get to a point where I feel stuck. I become so stuffed full of “spiritual information” that I feel engorged – like when you overeat at Thanksgiving. You can’t move, the food was great, but now you feel sick to your stomach. The same way you can’t possibly take another bite of food, I get to a point where I can’t hear another sermon or read another word out of the Bible or a book. Usually, it means I’ve filled my head with a ton of knowledge and lessons, but it’s time to absorb that into my heart and soul – or it means that I’ve missed something God is trying to show me and my heart has become hard.


I’m in the middle of one of those “holy dissatisfaction” phases. It is frustrating on one end, yet on the other, I know something magnificent is going to come out of it. However, when I’m in the midst of this type of season, I can get a little cranky with the Lord. Like tonight; laying in bed and asking loads of questions. Honestly, there are some things about God that annoy me – because I don’t understand and I want to! Do you get frustrated with God? I had several thoughts rolling through my head tonight:

  1. Why is being a Christian so hard?
  2. What’s with all the parables and riddles? Why not make scripture plain as day?
  3. Why all the mystery?
  4. Why is love so hard to understand, express, receive, and give?
  5. Why is understanding spiritual concepts so difficult?
  6. How come so many religious leaders have different interpretations of the Bible? It’s like no one is on the same page. Teachers I respect have entirely different viewpoints, and I wonder who I should listen to.
  7. When someone decides to live for Christ, why doesn’t our human/sinful nature just, “poof,” go away and we no longer struggle with “doing what we don’t want to do”?
  8. Why tongues/spiritual language?
  9. Why is it so easy to make mistakes? Why is life such a struggle?
  10. I don’t understand why faith is so important. Why couldn’t you reveal yourself and your angels to mankind in a physical way so people wouldn’t have to guess if you are real? Wouldn’t that┬áresult in more people loving and obeying You if they knew you existed and could see you in your glory?

    loving well
    Why is loving well so hard?


Sometimes I don’t get it. It seems like life is one big cat-and-mouse game. I keep chasing, and I keep running, but I can’t seem to capture what it is I’m running after. I’m always falling; I’m always missing the mark. I get tired of making mistakes and having to clean up my mess. I just wish life was so much easier. It seems like I’m falling all over myself and not getting anywhere.

I love God. Love Him so much. But if I were completely honest, some days it doesn’t seem like that is enough. Every day there is another mistake, another sin I have to repent of, another bad attitude, another wrong decision. I feel like I’m living in a hamster wheel, going round and round, and not getting anywhere. Or like I’m living on a ledge overlooking a cliff. The teeniest mistake or distraction and I’m tumbling over the side.

I do something because I think it is God’s will – and then I realize it was a big, fat mistake – again. My entire life has been built on mistake, after mistake; one bad choice after another. Most of them can not be undone. There’s no going back and starting over. It’s like baking – once you stir the ingredients together, there is no separating them. It’s done.

How does one move forward? How does love become enough? How do I know if I’ve done something right? How do I keep doing what is right? I’m sick of falling all over myself. I tired of sickness, tired of poverty, tired of making the wrong choices, tired of having to deal with myself, tired of hearing experts tell me how they think I should live my life. I’m tired of watching family members become so easily seduced by wickedness, tired of watching those I love live in emotional and physical pain.

Following God should be easy and clear. Shouldn’t it?

Why is loving God so hard? Why is loving others even harder?

I’m putting myself out there tonight. I wonder if any of you ever have such thoughts? The bright side is I know my Father – He always reveals Himself! Scripture does say that I am blessed for believing in faith. I don’t understand and I wish I could have something other than faith to sink my teeth into, but I’m not God and He knows best. Thankfully, He welcomes the questions and wants all of us to come to Him and ask of Him because it draws us closer.

>>>>>And that is the whole point…to ask, receive, sit, listen, encounter, and KNOW Him.<<<<

Why questions do you ask of God? I’d love to hear them.

One Comment

  1. Hey, Harper, only one or two thoughts: Nice job. (That doesn’t count as a thought) It seems to me that the more we see ourselves as on “the outside” needing to work hard to please Him, the Christian life is extremely difficult and frustrating. In fact, no one can live His life…except for Him. Christ in us, the hope of glory. Therefore, the clearer we see ourselves as moved to “the inside” as we consider the implications of being “in Him,” available to enjoy and receive the blessings of fellowship and communion with Him, the more we are able to see Him living His life through us. We are together, He and I. You are together, He and you. (John 17:23– “I in them, and You in Me”) He came and set up His residence in my dwelling place (my body, now the temple of the Holy Spirit) and life is no longer about me trying to live my life to meet expectation and therefore please Him…when I succeed. We already please Him. He died so that, from His perspective and by the signed, “better covenant” written in Jesus’ blood, we are totally reconciled with Him (the Father), with no accusation held against us and no barrier between us. He delights in us. He calls us beloved. We accept that we are acceptable and the life we lead “pleases” Him not because we have done something in our own effort, self-discipline or strength to “measure up” so that we have become “good enough” for Him, but because He sees us as in Him, and Him as in us, manifesting and reflecting more and more of Him and His Kingdom into everything we touch, everyone we meet. He — your Abba, Father — thinks the “Harper-flavored” fragrance of Jesus-in-you is just delightful; distinct, unique, inviting, and an amazingly singular expression of who He is. You have been transferred out of darkness, into His marvelous light. (2 Cor. 4:6) He sees you not only as a precious son/daughter, His ambassador on this earth, but as part of a “chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God’s own possession.” (1 Pet. 2:9) (That’s one thought)

    Thought #2: The phrase, “God’s will,” is interesting and has many applications. I have read books with multiple chapters dissecting the “good”, the “acceptable” and the “perfect” will of God as three separate components, like stepping stairs you climb upward, presumably until you reach “the perfect.” (Based on Romans 12:2) “Will of God” can also refer to a personal moral code or motivation. “Will of God” is often exchanged for the phrase and concept of predestination — there is one teeny, tiny, narrow path that is God’s will for your life and when you intentionally/unintentionally step off that or are knocked off that, you are “out of His will” and all sorts of things can result. And, in my opinion, living life within the perception and parameters of that concept is where the enemy accomplishes the most to distort the image of God in our hearts and lives, and to dishearten believers. As the accuser of the brethren, that spiritual finger is quick to point to seemingly irredeemable mistakes, “cakes” that have ingredients that cannot be unmixed, as you describe. But I don’t think God’s work in my life revolves around Him being stuck or hindered by this mis-spiced concoction of too-much-or-too-little-or-just-wrong-spice that is the culmination of my life’s events or choices. Jesus said, “with God, all things are possible.” I think of Saul, who became Paul, and although he described himself as “the least” of the apostles because of his persecution of the church, he later wrote, “One thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” (Phil 3:13b,14) There is always an upward call of God in Christ Jesus for each of us. In 2 Cor. 1, Paul states that “the Father of mercies and God of all comfort” uses those “bad spices” or sufferings/experiences in our lives “to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” I think that phrase, “the will of God” is best defined as a “stewardship from God,” a phrase used in Colossians 1:25, but the attributes of which are throughout Colossians 1. Was it God’s will that Paul be beaten or Peter be crucified upside down or John be boiled in oil? I don’t think so. “God’s will” was the stewardship of the mission they each received from God — and whether it resulted in John being exiled, or Peter being crucified was (in a sense) immaterial, because their good stewardship of the power and task bestowed upon them made each of them able to say, “for to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain,” (Phil. 1:21) It was THEIR will and choice to bear whatever came their way…

    And you’re absolutely right — God doesn’t mind the questions and wants all of us to come to Him and ask of Him. XOXO to you…be hugged by His Presence and kissed by His love for you.

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